I think most of us who have passed the age of 15 have found out that adulting is not a peace of cake. Obviously, I can’t speak for all of you, but this whole growing up thing is really not how I pictured it. I remember being ten years old and dreaming of making my own decisions about when I would go to bed, clean my room or brush my teeth. I never anticipated everything being so complicated and complex.
From where I stand (or sit), I would say I am still in the process of growing up. Not quite there yet, but also really not in the position to duck from responsibilities anymore. Because of that, I would describe the twenties, especially the early twenties, as this weird, very confusing in-between-time. And as exciting and liberating as they are, they are also devastating, overwhelming and difficult.
In today’s post, I want to talk about three topics in particular that I have had a hard time dealing with in my twenties so far and the life lessons I learned from them. I think all of these are phases that everybody has to go through at some point in their life. Some of you might have even gone through them already or are experiencing them right now. So let’s get started …
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Life lessons I have learned in my twenties so far
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I have never considered myself to be a very political or opinionated person. Not because I didn’t think it was important to have a voice but because the sheer concept of politics or socio-critical topics was always so overwhelming that I didn’t even try. I didn’t really feel qualified to have an opinion. So I just brushed it under the carpet until a later time… which then never came.
Thanks to social media, though, it’s not so easy to ignore those topics anymore. Politics is not something that is discussed far, far away in a government building or reported in a newspaper that you can only read with a dictionary lying next to you. It’s right there on your Twitter and Facebook feed, not to be ignored. I mean, you literally get bombarded with people’s opinions and views on a daily basis. And because of that, you naturally develop a stand on certain topics, right?
So here I am. Still not a hundred percent informed on everything but way more passionate about voicing my opinion. And it feels great. Almost like I am finally figuring out what kind of person or individual I actually want to be.
But here comes the tricky part: The more I am discovering my personal values and beliefs, the more I find people in my life and in my Facebook friend list that don’t share them. And I am not only talking friends but also adults that I have known for a long time. Some of them probably never had the values I now feel so strongly about, I just didn’t really care enough before.
So now I am at a point in my life where I don’t know what to do with these people. Can I keep them in my life? Is it right to cut them out because I can’t agree with their opinion, even though I never had a personal problem with them?
I don’t have an answer for these questions. And if there is a manual for situations like this, please let me know. All I know is that it makes me sad, that on some level I am losing affection and respect for people that don’t deserve it because they have always been good to me. But I can’t defend their world views either.
So what’s the learning here? Well, firstly I have found out how important it is to find your voice and use it. Secondly, you have to accept that there are people with different views or opinions than your own. And depending on the relationship you have to figure out if you can live with their opinions or if you feel too strongly about it to allow them in your life anymore.
When I started college everybody told me that I shouldn’t be worried about making new friends. That the friends I would make there were going to stay with me for life. I think that is a nice thought and from where I am sitting right now, I would love for those friends to stay in my life for a long time. However, I didn’t really like the way people were saying it at the time. I already had friends. School friends. The people that stuck with me through all the firsts. The first drink, the first job, first love, and first shattering heartbreak. Those were the friends I wanted to hold on to.
And during the first years in these next phases of our life, like college, jobs and moves I think we managed pretty well as a group. We would see each other at every birthday or big event, call, text and really be there for it all. Outside of our group everybody was always so astonished by the fact that we kept each other that close. And I was so proud of that.
However, in the past year or so I have really noticed a change. With the exception of a few, we don’t see each a lot anymore. And every time we do it gets harder to be comfortable around each other. Small talk is actually a thing now.
For me personally, it has been really hard to accept this change in dynamic. It still is. I mean, I understand that every one of us has made new friends, experienced new things and evolved from the person they were five years ago. I just never thought we would grow apart because of it. That really sucks.
And I know how immature and naive this must sound. I mean, of course, I knew that things couldn’t stay the same forever. But on some level, I kinda hoped they would. So one thingI had to learn in my twenties is letting go. Letting go of the illusion that just because you made it this far, doesn’t mean your friendship with someone is for forever. I also had to learn to accept the fact that when people change so do their priorities in friends and life.
Another struggle I have had in adulthood is figuring out where I stand in the family dynamic. On some level – at least until I have kids of my own – I am still the child. I’m the kid that still comes home to mom and dad when it’s broke or needs help hanging a cupboard on the wall. On the other hand, I am also old enough now, to be part of certain decisions and discussions that happen between the adults in the family.
To switch between both of those roles is definitely a luxury because you get the best of both worlds. But it is also confusing. You never know how far you are allowed to interfere. And when you haven’t interfered you wonder if you should have but were only dodging your responsibility. And sometimes you deliberately don’t interfere because you’re just not ready to deal with certain topics yet.
What I have learned in the past is that the best way to go through this is with honesty. If there is a situation where you don’t know how far you are supposed to go or you are overwhelmed with dealing with a certain topic and would rather hide behind your mom and dad: Tell them. That is the beauty of being in your twenties, you don’t have to know and master everything just yet.
There is a saying that my host mother in the US used to tell me. It stuck with me all these years. Whenever I was sad or complaining about the various difficulties of life she would say: “Nobody ever said it was going to be easy”. And to me, that is definitely one thing that we can take away from this. Growing up and into adulthood is not easy And it is not supposed to be because life isn’t easy. But there is also no way around it. So all we can do is go through it as graceful as possible and hope for the best.
I hope you enjoyed this post on life lessons I have learned in my twenties so far. I would love to hear if you are experiencing similar phases and struggles. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone. And for all of you who have already passed the awkward age of twenty-something, please let us know if it gets any easier. 😉
xx
Nico
